04/03/17 – I compare exercise to smoking because I enjoyed smoking

I quit smoking last year because, to my infinite surprise*, it’s really bad for you.

Smoking is an immediate experience of relaxation cloaked in nostalgic glamour.

I would smoke at night after work;  listen to Rodrigo Amarante and look at the night lights.

A soft, beautiful way to kill yourself; I thought.

As it happens, it’s a soft, beautiful way to aggravate acid reflux and peptic ulcers as well.

My body really doesn’t respond well to self-destructive behaviour and being ill and in pain was the best way to get me to stop doing it.

Now exercise doesn’t feel anything like smoking. It is not enjoyable or slow or contributing to my eventual demise.

The music is also not to my taste.

I really don’t want to exercise with my friends because I will not look like a cool cat puffing death sticks outside a jazz joint. I’ll look like I look when I’m exercising. Like a graceless lump of disintegrating cartilage.

So I did this work-out today despite the fact that I am bleeding from my vagina and feeling very uncomfortable.

*Naturally I’m being ironic but when you’re depressed and anxious, smoking is the most socially acceptable form of self harm.


01/03/17 – I work out with my sister

I did a cardio-strength-abs workout DVD today for twenty minutes.

I’m still getting cramps like a motherfucker. Just completing the work-out is a bit of an effort.

I’m not having fun. I’m not in pain and I’m pushing myself but it’s not fun to reach these arbitrary goals. It feels like something I’ve checked off a list without any satisfaction.

I ran through Rosebank yesterday without having to stop for breath in about ten minutes so I know I’m getting fitter but I’m not feeling overwhelming pride at my efforts.

When I work out I just see the gaps where I could be doing better and how slow and weak I am. Working out on negative reinforcement at the moment.

So update: exercise still sucks.

27/02/17 – yoga day

Yoga day should be my favourite day because I like slow, continuous movements.

It is not my favourite day as my favourite day is rest day.

I’m seriously premenstrual. My cramps are so bad I want to cry.

I did 15 minutes of yoga today and I did one poorly completed plank.

Exercise is still hard.

26/02/17 – I exercise even though I don’t feel like it

I’m premenstrual so the things I want to do are: eat oily food, spend money, lie in bed, watch dramas and definitely not exercise.

I thought I wouldn’t be able to do my exercise program so I turned to YouTube to make my workout a bit more interesting.

I first did one Dynamic Pilates class for beginners. It was manageable except I still cannot for the life of my core and biceps complete a full plank.

There are planks and side planks in this video and I was able to do one full plank for ten breaths but my form was atrocious and I felt like I was dying.

I don’t feel stronger or fitter. I still feel like a clumsy, weak blob.

My exercise program told me to do ten minutes of cardio so I turned to the web again.

I made it to seven minutes and 35 seconds before I tapped out but I did a twenty nine minute Pilates class so I REFUSE TO FEEL GUILTY.

Doing exercise with videos helps me to keep track of how long I’m working out for and both videos have timers in the corner of the screen to let you know how far you are.

That helps a bit.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this when I’m menstruating but blood is part of life and exercise is as well.


25/02/17 – day four and I’m learning things about myself

My two day exercise hiccup gave me pause when it came to working out today. Logistical problems with my phone are sucking away my will to do anything but exist as a home slug.

Still, I put on my shoes, rolled out my sister’s yoga mat and completed Gym Routine 2 from my exercise program.

Doing this program made me think about how far I am willing to push myself for my goal of lasting fitness. I wondered whether I should press myself to my limits and work out into exhaustion and whether this would sabotage my long term goal. I thought that I should try but not to the extent of burning out.

This thought carried me through my workout but I fear it may have been a rationalisation for half-arseing burpees and push-ups.

Push-ups have always been my enemy. I am discovering how weak and clumsy I am through these sessions and it’s motivating me somewhat to become stronger and more graceful.

I want to be able to control my body and use my strength to do push-ups and pull-ups without being embarrassed and exhausted.

I’m so glad I’m not doing this challenge in a gym where my physical incompetence would be on display in real time to a live audience.

When I did (infrequently) attend a gym; I’d model on the stair machine and go home feeling like fraud. I’m grateful only my sister’s hounds have witnessed me gasping and falling heavily on the ground like a sack of rotten potatoes.

I felt like I didn’t give one hundred percent on my official work-out so I did a twenty minute dance choreography tutorial on Youtube afterwards.



I’m incredibly late in learning the choreography to Twice’s 2016 earworm ┬ábut I needed something saccharine to lift my spirits.

I always play and dance to TT when I’m drunk so I might as well learn it properly.

Hopefully learning some dance again will help me to feel as though my body is something I can master instead of a shapeless bag of pimply skin filled with acid and expired meat.

Thoughts on learning choreo: transitioning from floor work to standing positions is currently difficult. Whether this is due to weakness or laziness is unknown.

All I know is dropping it low feels like meeting someone I knew from high school: familiar but uncomfortable.

It’s late in the afternoon now and I can definitely feel that I have done some exercise. Muscles I am not accustomed to feeling are making their presence known.

I drank water today as well. That should cancel out the Krispy Kream donut I had with my breakfast of three pork sausages, right?


24/02/17 – I try to make up for hideous failure

Yesterday was disappointing so this morning, I decided to do some more yoga even though it is technically a rest day.

I did a twenty minute beginner’s video from Youtube, concentrating on the core, and I discovered that I have a tendency to be a lazy beginner.

Whenever I click on these videos it feels like I’m opting into one of those ****LOSE BELLY FAT IN 10 MINUTES**** clickbait articles. The SEOs cheapen the content.

I did most of the exercises well except stabbing the air for what felt like forever. I stabbed the air feeling like I wanted to cry and whispering, ‘I hate everything about this’ repeatedly.

My core has weakened significantly over the years. A new goal will be to strengthen it along with getting better at cardio.

I hope these kinds of exercises will help with my reflux because if I’m stabbing the air for shits and giggles; I am going to lose my temper.

The video was challenging enough but after I completed it I didn’t feel exhausted and I’m encouraged to get my phone fixed so I don’t feel desperate and hopeless.

That’s an improvement on yesterday.

23/02/17 – I make a mistake and think I can do a plank

Every fitness blogger has inevitably hit a wall in their journey: logistics of life, family responsibilities, an emotional block… I didn’t expect to hit all of the above on day 2.

I had good, if tentative, expectations this morning. In my perfectly planned day, I would go with my sister and niece to the paediatrician, walk the dogs, do ten minutes of cardio and my core workout from my exercise plan; have a second shower, and still have time to make a salad to take to work. Since I was awake and alert from 5am and my work day only begins at twelve – I had seven hours to complete a very achievable list of tasks.

I made a number of mistakes.

I didn’t exercise before going to the doctor with my niece even though I had time because I assumed that I would have enough space later on to work out. I did not. I was required to babysit for about two hours after the doc and the intoxicating sensation of holding a sleeping infant prevented me from dumping her in her bassinet to watch me huffing and grunting for twenty minutes.

I made my salad to help me eat better at work and keep me away from the vending machines but I put in too many mung bean sprouts so I bought myself a Coke to make up for that.

My pee is going to smell amazing; I’m sure.

My phone died and won’t start up again which is good timing as tomorrow is a rest day and I can take it to the shop but also makes me want to claw my face off in frustration.

I wasn’t in the greatest mood to exercise after work.

I arrived home past nine and waking everyone up with loud cardio isn’t an option so I decided to do a core yoga workout from a Youtube tutorial.

I managed to get through 12 minutes before giving up.

I misjudged my proficiency at yoga. I cannot do a plank.

I’m feeling pretty low today. My whole body is sore from less than quarter of an hour of exercise. My phone is broken. My salad was a failure.

I’m going to wash my face and go to sleep in shame.